“Hot Or Not”, Catholic Version

August 16, 2010

In the evil despicable liberal culture, you will see lists of “ins “and “outs”. In a sign that this depraved liberal culture is the bastard child of Sodom and pagan Rome, you can even see people listed as “hot” or not. These jerks think “hot” means attractive, but the joke is on them, as they will be burning for all eternity. Let me just say that I hate hate hate hate hate hate this liberal culture. Illicit sex and socialism go together. When I think about it, I want to bang my head against the wall, really hard. But then I thought – hey Joe, why don’t you use your head in a more smart way? God gave you a great brain, and called us to use our talents. So here goes, I will now reclaim “hot or not” for Christ, by doing a comparison of “orthodox” vs. “dissident”. Read this and weep, liberal Catholics. Weep because it is so brilliant and weep because you are going to hell.

Dissident                                                Orthodox

Vox Nova                                                  Catholic Fascist

America magazine                                 American Catholic

Michael Sean Winters                           St. Michael the Archangel

Snooki                                                         Zippy

Nancy Pelosi                                            Sarah Palin

Cardinal Mahony                                   Archbishop Chaput

Heath care reform                                Liberty       

Big government                                     Big families

Vatican II                                                Vatican I

Eucharistic ministers                         The latin Mass

Democrats                                                     Republicans                           

Europe                                                     America

Cordoba mosque                                 Siege of Vienna

Barry Obamassiah                              Ronald Reagan the Great       

Second Obama term                          Second amendment

Gays                                                         Manly men

Saul Alinsky                                         St. Paul

 Unions                                                   Uniates

Humanism                                             Humanae Vitae

Socialism                                               Catholic social teaching

United Nations                                    Nation states

Hippies                                                   Marines

Death panels                                        American Life League

Catholic Action                                  Acton Institute

Thomas Gumbleton                          Thomas Peters

Medicare rationing boards            Waterboards

Latin America                                     Latin


I now invite faithful orthodox readers to submit their own entries!


25 Responses to ““Hot Or Not”, Catholic Version”

  1. Jammy Bacon said

    Solidarity Subsidiarity
    E.J. Dionne George Weigel
    Bart Stupak Newt Gingrich
    Social Justice Just War
    Iran Israel
    Arabs (Zionist) Jews (non-Zionist Jews) (Zionist) Protestants
    Hugs Bombs
    Karl Marx Ayn Rand
    Archbishop Marx Milton Friedman
    Intelligentsia Plutocrats
    Democrats Republicans
    Republicans Tea Partiers
    Tea Partiers Franco
    Karl Rahner, Ph.D Michael Voris STB

  2. Pelayo Zaragosa said

    Lady Gaga – Our Lady, Porn – the Pope, “human rights” – torture, Community Party – Tea Party, Homo sex – missionary position, condoms – NFP, S & M – corporal mortification, dieting – fasting, drag queen – drag race, tofu – steak, defeat – perpetual war, National Catholic Reporter – National Catholic Register, negotiation – carpet bombing with napalm, Iran – giant hole in the ground where Iran used to be.

  3. Connie Murphy de la Creme said

    Call me a heretic (because calling other Catholics heretics is what this blog is all about!), but in all seriousness I disagree with just one of those oppositions. “Humanism” is NOT the opposite of “Humane Vitae”.

    Secondarily I have a problem with positing the “United Nations” against “Nation States”.

    But the rest of it is funnier than hell!

  4. Connie Murphy de la Creme said

    More suggestions, “Dissident” on the left hand column and “Orthodox” on the right hand column:

    All but two nations America

    Israel Same as America

    Pope John Paul the Great Benjamin Netanyahu

  5. Connie Murphy de la Creme said

    Pelayo wrote:

    “Lady Gaga – Our Lady, Porn – the Pope, “human rights” – torture, Community Party – Tea Party, Homo sex – missionary position, condoms – NFP, S & M – corporal mortification, dieting – fasting, drag queen – drag race, tofu – steak, defeat – perpetual war, National Catholic Reporter – National Catholic Register, negotiation – carpet bombing with napalm, Iran – giant hole in the ground where Iran used to be.”

    Actually I don’t see the connection between Lady Gaga and those other atrocities. By which I mean, that criticising Lady Gaga for being a slut who is corrupting our youths, is NOT the same thing as being a war-monger.

    Come on, you can do better than that!

    Come on. You’ve got some great satire going on here. Please don’t dilute it by equating criticism of Lady Gaga with threats of nuclear war.

  6. Pelayo Zaragosa said

    Lady Gaga is nuclear war on the soul, as well as our good old fashioned Western culture. I like me some good ol’ fashioned country music me-self, as well as blasting Solesmes Gregorian chant into my ears during target practice.

  7. The Crusader Catholica said

    misunderstanding my posts’ syntax–abolition of all sin tax,

    resentment of one’s cultural superiority–basking in Western hegemony

    Iafrate’s Rock and Theology–My beloved Rach 3 (Third Piano Concerto)

    bastardized folk masses– the American folk

    The sign of peace–Latin Mass with Palestrina

    The New York Times–Times with real Americans

    NPR–Fox and Friends

    Wimpy conductors–Herbert von Karajan

  8. Frank Brigada said


    Jersey Shore
    Little House on the Prairie

    any Jesuit university
    Ave Maria University

    Opus Dei, Legion of Christ, Miles Jesu

    Jesus of Nazareth
    The Passion of the Christ

    Franco Zeffirelli
    Mel Gibson

    Generalissimo Franco



    Women lectors
    Instituted Acolytes

    versus populum
    ad orientem

    St. Louis Jesuits

    Capri pants
    Ankle length skirts

    Unisex Haircuts

    Women professionals
    MRS degree

    Joycelyn Elders
    Christopher West

  9. pasisozi said

    I could point out flaws in most of your dichotomies, but I will limit myself to three observations.

    Are you aware that Sarah Palin is an apostate from Catholicism? Why is she in your “orthodox” column.

    Not all of the Catholic Church has ever celebrated the mass in Latin. Even in the Latin Church, Church Slavonic was used, rather than Latin, in certain dioceses in Croatia for centuries BEFORE Vatican II, which is an Ecumenical Council of the Catholic Church. Your liturgical dichotomy is based on the totally false assumption that the Latin Church is the totality, or even the standard, of the Catholic Church.

    Finally, it might surprise you to know that not all homosexual men are effeminate.

  10. Connie Murphy de la Creme said

    At first I thought that the principal of this blog was a half-Irish and half-Slavic man, well-known in the Catholic blogosphere. And he’s a counter-cultural dissident par excellence.

    But now it’s clear to me that he has nothing to do with it. Because the man I’m thinking of, is ALWAYS FUNNY, but you aren’t.

  11. I’m a little confused. Since the point of this site is satire, is this post suggesting it’s wrong to uphold St. Michael, Humanae Vitae, or Catholic social teaching as orthodox?

    I am curious why “catholic social teaching” made it on the orthodox side, as I would have assumed this site would have put it in the dissident category. Glen Beck would think so.

  12. Pelayo Zaragosa said

    Commie prelates and effeminate intellectual obamacrat homos aren’t funny, and neither is this blog. If you want funny, try Marmaduke comics. Or black face. I love me some minstrels in black face.

  13. poofteriffic latinist said


    ecce agnoscimus ut missam glagolithicam differe missam latine ac missale glagolithica celebrata in croatia per multos annos atque recognoscimus venerabilem ritum Orientalis visne trahere bong — just chill out dude.

    The presence of “manly features” in a same-sex attracted man — playing the wide receiver for State U., being the life of the party at the frat house, good ol’ sweaty roughhousing — shows that some men diseased with the affliction of deep seated homosexual tendencies can overcome their disorder! So, don’t despair even if you find your eye resting on the Estee Lauder makeup counter or find yourself singing along to “Express Yourself” on the car stereo! You’re well on your way to clean-cut, wholesome heterosexuality!

  14. joepantsonfire said

    Exellent choices, people! This shows that readers of this blog are all highly educated and literate. It bodes well for the victory of the church militant over this liberal demon-strocity.

  15. pasisozi said

    BTW–if socialism is not “orthodox”, just why is this blog site entitled “Catholic Fascist?”

    Fascism is nothing but National Socialism, a philosophy condemned by both Popes Pius XI and Ven. Pius XII in various letters and documents.

    And to whoever listed Mel Gibson as “orthodox,” as moving a movie as THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST is, Mel Gibson is a sede-vacantist, a member of an independent chapel subject to NO bishop whatsoever, and is this nothing more than Tridentine Rite congregationalism, which is by definition NOT Catholic.


    poofteriffic latinist, I know enough Latin to puzzle out what you said. If I understand you properly, you are mistaken. The Glagolithic Mass IS the Tridentine Mass (with local variants to be expected) in Slavonic. It is NOT an “Oriental Rite” (which do not exist).

  16. joepantsonfire said

    Michael Denton. Does this look like satire to you, you sad little man? Dont bring a knife to a gun fight, punk. I’m passionate about truth and getting our country back and you sit there and mock me. You..make…me…so…angry.

  17. joepantsonfire said

    Oh, and please learn the difference between social justice and Catholic social teaching. Social justice is liberal marxist crap, and Phony Mahony should try listening to Glenn Beck who can explain that to him. Catholic social teaching is from the magisterium and tells us that low taxes support solidarity and subsidiarity.

  18. joepantsonfire said


    What the hell is your problem? Sarah Palin is not an apostate. Protestantism is not apostasy – did you get that crap from Vox Nihilist? And Sarah Palin is a damned better Catholic than dissident Catholics in name only (CINOs, as in “see no” evil!!). For example, she’s a better Catholic than John Kerry, ort Doug Kmiec, or the Vox Nihilists, or Nancy Pelosi, or Cardinal Mahony, or Dorothy Day.

  19. Catholic social teaching is Rerim Novarum and Centessemuus Annis. (I may not have spelt those rightly.) The rest is just liberal “position papers” from the committee offices of the USCCB. And we no longer have to listen to the USCCB because of John Paul the Great II.

  20. poofteriffic latinist said


    pooferiffic latinist quotes poofteriffic latinist:

    ecce agnoscimus ut missam glagolithicam differe missam latine ac missale glagolithica celebrata in croatia per multos annos atque recognoscimus venerabilem ritum Orientalis visne trahere bong — just chill out dude.

    “We know that the Glagolithic Missal differs from the Latin Missal, and that the Glagolithic Missal has been celebrated in Croatia for many years. Also, we recognize the venerable Eastern Rites. Doncha want to take a bong hit? Just chill out dude!”

    I don’t know if Caesar had ganja brought in from the Subcontinent. Still, if you’ve got your panties in a twist about the minutiae of Glagolithic Catholicism, you should blaze.

    Party self-criticism: A loyal conservative Catholic should not advocate an anti-“Just Say No” attitude. Nancy Reagan, wife of the Dear Leader, often reminded our youth to “just say no” to all illegal drugs through hallowed televised narratives such as Diff’rent Strokes. Our children should never be exposed to the welfare state bottom feeders that smoke marijuana and consume junk food produced by food conglomerates that possibly associated with the abortion industry.

  21. danmclockinload said

    Well, I don’t understand Latin and we’re not supposed to speak Latin. That’s for the priest up there on the altar. I find it funny that liberals and freaks like to think they are so clever by speaking latin. Unless you have been ordained higher up than a sub deacon, you should just shut the heck up. And I don’t know anything about these “Rearin’ Varmins” and “Centipede’s Posterior”, I stick to the basic literature – the Baltimore Catechism, Catholic Answers voter guide, EWTN experts forum, and the US constitution. Everything you need, you’ll find it there.

  22. Does this look like satire to you, you sad little man?

    Unfortunately, it does not.

    I should also note that I didn’t write the post accusing you of being a sad little man. I wouldn’t have chosen those words as it strikes me as being uncharitable. However, if you are writing under all of these personas, you probably should get a hobby.

  23. Olivier le Humanzé said

    Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence
    Inchiridion Indulgentiarum

  24. Joe Hargrave said

    Hmm. With the exception of Sarah Palin, “Republicans”, and water boarding, I concur with my fascist alter ego on all of these points.

    Especially on the Siege of Vienna. But he forgot to include Tours, the Reconquista, and Lepanto.

  25. […] Part of these failings is the desire to top oneself. In satire, it’s hard to keep it up, b/c the goal of satire is to point out absurdity. To keep going, you are strongly tempted to simply make it more absurd. As you go more absurd, you get further and further away from reality, and the practical point is lost in a vanity driven pursuit of cruel laughter. Another temptation is try to find new material. You start attacking everything you see in your opponent. Sooner or later, you start attacking things that are good. […]

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