I was shocked, utterly shocked to find that one of my favorite Catholic fascist blogs, The American Catholic, ran not one, not two, but THREE BLOG POSTS about American pop parody comedy whatever icon “Weird Al” Yankovic this week.

Now I will admit that I enjoyed “Weird Al” music when he first began his career recording demos in a college dormitory bathroom and getting them played on Dr. Demento, “back in the day,” as the kids say. But I have come to see “Weird Al” not as simple parodic comedy, but as a true threat to America and to everything She values.

First of all, it is simply NOT TRUE when Tito Edwards writes:

Warning: The following videos are without profane lyrics or any form of nudity. You may finally realize that you can enjoy “contemporary” or “pop” music without all the vileness that emanates from the black hole that is MTV.

Well, okay, it is mostly true. But the VILENESS that he refers to is present in “Weird Al’s” music. And his music serves as a GATEWAY to the MTV filth that Tito refers to. Let me explain.

One of Tito’s favorite “Weird Al” songs is the style parody “One More Minute” in which Yankovic sings about how he would rather have a bunch of terrible, disgusting, and painful things done to him rather than stay with his woman. Although this song could be construed to be about divorce, which is unclear due to the ambiguous lyrics, one thing is for sure: the song has a clear masturbation reference that Tito apparently did not catch: I’m stranded all alone at the gas station of love / and I have to use the self-service pumps.

This is not the only sexual reference in Al’s music. His album Even Worse features a song called “Stuck in a Closet With Vanna White.” Many of his “polka medleys” contain bits of popular songs that contain sexual lyrics, including the song “Polkas on 45” which contains the lyrics “I’m a little girl when we make love together” from the Berlin song “Sex (I’m A).” And his medley “The Hot Rocks Polka,” made up of bits from songs by The Rolling Stones contains lyrics from “Let’s Spend the Night Together” and “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction.”

Even Al’s parodies that do not themselves reference immoral behavior are often making fun of songs that are clearly sexually immoral. Take for instance his “Isle Thing” from the album UHF – Original Motion Picture Soundtrack and Other Stuff. The song is just a harmless song about Gilligan’s Island, right? Not so fast, Weird-o! The song is based on “Wild Thing” by Tone Loc, one of the most immoral songs ever recorded. If you choose to “Google” the lyrics, don’t say I didn’t warn you. Another earlier example is the song “Like a Surgeon” which is clearly a parody of Madonna’s song “Like a Virgin.” And no, the famous anti-Catholic “Madonna” is NOT singing about the Blessed Mother as you might guess.

Just as “Weird Al” parody songs can be a gateway into learning all about the original songs which often feature sexually immoral behavior, other behavior and strange ideas can be found once “Weird Al” listeners seek out the originals. Take another of Tito’s favorites, the recent Al track “Bob” which is a style parody of Bob Dylan. The song appears to be quite ingenious, parodying Dylan’s distinctive vocal style while Al sings lyrics that are nonsensical but made up of nothing but Palindromes. That’s all well and good, but imagine for one moment that some young Catholic kid decides to look up Bob Dylan as a result of hearing this song. Not only would the poor young man be exposed to more sexually explicit content in some of Dylan’s songs, but constant songs about peace and pacifism. The One Holy Catholic and Apostolic Church’s teaching, coming directly from Jesus Christ, is JUST WAR TEACHING. Last and not least, Bob Dylan’s main instrument was the guitar and he was known as part of the ’60s folk revival. Yes, that’s right, the precise context for the “ROMAN CATHOLIC” FOLK MASS. Indeed, some hippie dippie St. Louis Jesuits extremist types actually played Bob Dylan songs like “Blowing in the Wind” at Mass! Can you imagine singing about peace ON A GUITAR at Mass? Of course you can, because Bob Dylan RUINED the Catholic liturgy. He was probably one of the ecumenicistic periti (that is, people who had no right to be there!) at Vatican II, sitting right next to Carl Rahner!!

Perhaps most troubling is the “Weird Al” song “Christmas at Ground Zero.” Although it was released back in 1986, the song has not since been banned, not even after 9/11. It is a dishonorable song, and disgraceful to the American people. “Weird Al” should apologize for it, of course, but he — to date — has not. He is still raking in the money from that song every time some punk kid buys a copy of the album Polka Party. Until he apologizes for writing, prophetically, such an un-American song, I’m afraid Catholic fascists everywhere will have to judge “Weird Al” HIMSELF to be un-American.

See for yourself.

Not to mention the fact that “Weird Al” kind of looks Canadian at the end of the song.

That’s enough evidence, I think, to show that “Weird Al” deserves no place in a Catholic home, and certainly no place on a Catholic blog. THE CATHOLIC FASCIST calls on THE AMERICAN CATHOLIC to apologize and retract its damaging and embarrassing statements of Al fandom, lest they be lumped in with the vile and liberal MTV loving heretics.

OK, I’ve got coupons for Chick-Fil-A to use! Later!


Cafeteria Catholics?

August 14, 2010

In the combox of a post at The Western Confucian PRAISING The Catholic Fascist, the venerable Mark Shea, a blogger we have nothing but respect for, doesn’t seem to get us, charging:

It scores some funny points against righty cafeteria Catholics. But in the end, it is just another organ of cafeteria Catholicism itself.

We appreciate Shea’s critique and his general concern about “cafeteria Catholicism” which, along with “altar womyn,” represents one of the deepest threats to Male Roman Catholicism. But let us clarify for Shea where we are coming from. We at The Catholic Fascist intend to promote TRUE Catholicism which is out of step with mainstream Catholicism for sure, but also with mere “traditionalist” and “conservative” Catholicism, both of which are far far too liberal. Our audience will likely be small: those who “get it” are the pure Catholic remnant, the “smaller and purer Church” that our (liberal, but getting there) Vicar of Christ has spoken about.

And obviously because we are a minority, we are going to have to bear the charge of “cafeteria Catholicism” from time to time. Thankfully, though, we have pure and wholly consistent Catholics like Mark Shea — true Saints in our midst! — to help show us what “puffed up” Catholics (1 Cor 4:6, 8:1, 13:4) who turn down no food at the cafeteria look like.

Show us the way, Shea!

“No one should doubt that the gunpowder against the infidels is like incense to the Lord.” – Oviedo, 16th c.

Chris Hedges has it right: Christian fascists are growing stronger. But, sadly, not strong enough among our Roman Catholic brethren. Despite some valiant attempts, like our friends at The American Catholic, the Roman Catholic blogosphere remains insufficiently committed to the task of whiteness witness called for during the Second Vatican Council and the duty of spreading American ideals of freedom, capitalism, and unmatched power. Vatican II got so, so many things wrong. But its statement of the Catholic layman’s duty to fight for Catholic truth in the secular sphere could not be more correct.

And today’s United States of America — overrun as it is with radical feminists, whiny liberals, demasculinized “men,” Middle Eastern terrorists, queer homosexualists, greedy pornographers, burnt out drug addicts, lazy deadbeats, and more — needs Christ’s One True Church more than ever. The Catholic Fascist sees its mission as speaking the One Truth into an ambivalent Roman Catholic blogosphere. Our Holy Father is on a mission to purge the Church of its “filth,” and we aim to proclaim and contribute to this cleansing in a way fitting to Internet-connected lay Catholic men.

A note about the blog’s title. Certain minority factions of the Catholic blogosphere have taken to calling conservative Catholics — that is to say TRUE Catholics — “fascists,” a move that is not merely hateful but ignorant of history. Everyone knows that fascists have historically been liberals. Our blog title is not meant to concede that we are “fascists” in the historical sense but to proudly reclaim the word ironically as we boast of the conservative Gospel of Jesus Christ. If promoting the truth is considered “fascist” by the Catholic Left, so be it. Catholic fascists we are.

As founder of The Catholic Fascist, I, Richard Hedges, welcome you to this blog. We will introduce other well-qualified bloggers and exciting features in the coming weeks. Feel free to bookmark us or grab our RSS feed to stay abreast of the truth.