Happy holidays, you fascists!

December 22, 2010

We here at The Catholic Fascist have taken some heat over the supposed misuse of the term “fascist.” (We think our “about us” page explains our usage quite nicely.) Our buddies and mentors over at The American Catholic have often been at the forefront of this quibble-fest, arguing that essentially any use of the terms “fascist” or “fascism” analogously is inappropriate. Sinful, even.

Until today! TAC’s chief ranter Joe Hargrave has finally come around and has decided to start throwing the word “fascist” around a little more liberally. In this post, he rightly condemns everyone who will not utter the words “Merry Christmas” at this holy time of year as a FASCIST! That’s right — Christians and non-Christians alike are fascists if they have a problem with the words “Merry Christmas.” And he is absolutely right.

So kudos to Joe for always speaking the truth, and now, for finally speaking our language! Holiday Birthday-of-the-White-Male-Imperial-Christ blessings upon Joe, The American Catholic, and to all of our readers, now and forever! The government shall be upon his shoulders, so let’s make that gov’t as small as possible in the new year, fellow patriots!

HAPPY VETERANS DAY!!!

November 11, 2010

On this day, one of our mostest holiest as American “fascist” Catholics, there is no better place to point your webby browsers than our brothers and sisters in Christ at The American Catholic, and particularly its principal author Ronald McClarney. The homage and worship that they display every day for our holy dead soldiers is truly remarkable and inspiring, but on a day like today they will surely go all out. Keep your eyes peeled and then let them weep tears of red, white, and blue. Thank you, TAC!

FINALLY! A U.S. Catholic Church willing to promote the truth! Morning’s Mittens over at the apostate “blog” Vox Granola is good for SOMETHING at least… He lets us know that Newton Leroy “Newt” Gingrich, republiteaparty upcomer and shiny brand-new Roman Catholic, will be holding a book signing at the glorious Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception this weekend. Of course, Mittens is trying to get all three of his readers to call the Basilica to protest this appearance of that whom can only be the perfect, most utterly perfect, Catholic public figure we have ever did see. And of course, Mittens had absolutely no problem with the Kenyan baby-killer appearing at the University of Notre Shame to pick up his Catholyc seal-of-approval in the form of a Ph.D. degree!!

Yes, the guy has been an adulterer in his distant past. We get it. Yes, he was a sinner. But what the Catholyc liberal baby-killers don’t understand is that he is a repentant sinner. Sure, it took the flashy-flashy of a new shot at the presidency to make him change his disgusting sexual ways. But this is in fact a glorious AMERICAN TRADITION. Look at Ronald Reagan, the former pro-choice politician and Hollywood whore. Look at John McCain, former — and kinda current — pro-choicer and adulterer. This is the pattern, people. This is how GOD WORKS. His Holiness Gingrinch has come home to Holy Mother Church from the Baptists, just as God has planned it. That’s all that counts. His soul has been saved. He is on the right team. So what if he sometimes sounds a little racist? I mean, so what if he ACTUALLY IS racist?! Look at the facts. Gingrich is

1. a good Catholic,
2. is solidly pro-life,
3. is faithful to Benedict XVI: the Pope of Christian Unity
4. he follows the Catechism of the Catholic Church

That’s all there is to it, folks. I mean, why have we not had potential candidates like this before? It is actually very simply to be a good Catholic politician.

The rector of the Basilica Monsignor Walter Rossi should be COMMENDED and PRAISED and MADE A CARDINAL for what he is doing. Catholic Fascists everywhere should email their thanks to him directly at wrr@bnsic.org. Send a nice e-card or something, maybe. If you would like to phone your thanks to him, do so at 202-526-8300. Tell Rossi that you are pleased that Benedict’s Vicar to the United States (forget about that Latino ambassador dude who is probably PRO-CHOICE I forget his name what the heck is it) is being given this holiest of platforms.

I was shocked, utterly shocked to find that one of my favorite Catholic fascist blogs, The American Catholic, ran not one, not two, but THREE BLOG POSTS about American pop parody comedy whatever icon “Weird Al” Yankovic this week.

Now I will admit that I enjoyed “Weird Al” music when he first began his career recording demos in a college dormitory bathroom and getting them played on Dr. Demento, “back in the day,” as the kids say. But I have come to see “Weird Al” not as simple parodic comedy, but as a true threat to America and to everything She values.

First of all, it is simply NOT TRUE when Tito Edwards writes:

Warning: The following videos are without profane lyrics or any form of nudity. You may finally realize that you can enjoy “contemporary” or “pop” music without all the vileness that emanates from the black hole that is MTV.

Well, okay, it is mostly true. But the VILENESS that he refers to is present in “Weird Al’s” music. And his music serves as a GATEWAY to the MTV filth that Tito refers to. Let me explain.

One of Tito’s favorite “Weird Al” songs is the style parody “One More Minute” in which Yankovic sings about how he would rather have a bunch of terrible, disgusting, and painful things done to him rather than stay with his woman. Although this song could be construed to be about divorce, which is unclear due to the ambiguous lyrics, one thing is for sure: the song has a clear masturbation reference that Tito apparently did not catch: I’m stranded all alone at the gas station of love / and I have to use the self-service pumps.

This is not the only sexual reference in Al’s music. His album Even Worse features a song called “Stuck in a Closet With Vanna White.” Many of his “polka medleys” contain bits of popular songs that contain sexual lyrics, including the song “Polkas on 45” which contains the lyrics “I’m a little girl when we make love together” from the Berlin song “Sex (I’m A).” And his medley “The Hot Rocks Polka,” made up of bits from songs by The Rolling Stones contains lyrics from “Let’s Spend the Night Together” and “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction.”

Even Al’s parodies that do not themselves reference immoral behavior are often making fun of songs that are clearly sexually immoral. Take for instance his “Isle Thing” from the album UHF – Original Motion Picture Soundtrack and Other Stuff. The song is just a harmless song about Gilligan’s Island, right? Not so fast, Weird-o! The song is based on “Wild Thing” by Tone Loc, one of the most immoral songs ever recorded. If you choose to “Google” the lyrics, don’t say I didn’t warn you. Another earlier example is the song “Like a Surgeon” which is clearly a parody of Madonna’s song “Like a Virgin.” And no, the famous anti-Catholic “Madonna” is NOT singing about the Blessed Mother as you might guess.

Just as “Weird Al” parody songs can be a gateway into learning all about the original songs which often feature sexually immoral behavior, other behavior and strange ideas can be found once “Weird Al” listeners seek out the originals. Take another of Tito’s favorites, the recent Al track “Bob” which is a style parody of Bob Dylan. The song appears to be quite ingenious, parodying Dylan’s distinctive vocal style while Al sings lyrics that are nonsensical but made up of nothing but Palindromes. That’s all well and good, but imagine for one moment that some young Catholic kid decides to look up Bob Dylan as a result of hearing this song. Not only would the poor young man be exposed to more sexually explicit content in some of Dylan’s songs, but constant songs about peace and pacifism. The One Holy Catholic and Apostolic Church’s teaching, coming directly from Jesus Christ, is JUST WAR TEACHING. Last and not least, Bob Dylan’s main instrument was the guitar and he was known as part of the ’60s folk revival. Yes, that’s right, the precise context for the “ROMAN CATHOLIC” FOLK MASS. Indeed, some hippie dippie St. Louis Jesuits extremist types actually played Bob Dylan songs like “Blowing in the Wind” at Mass! Can you imagine singing about peace ON A GUITAR at Mass? Of course you can, because Bob Dylan RUINED the Catholic liturgy. He was probably one of the ecumenicistic periti (that is, people who had no right to be there!) at Vatican II, sitting right next to Carl Rahner!!

Perhaps most troubling is the “Weird Al” song “Christmas at Ground Zero.” Although it was released back in 1986, the song has not since been banned, not even after 9/11. It is a dishonorable song, and disgraceful to the American people. “Weird Al” should apologize for it, of course, but he — to date — has not. He is still raking in the money from that song every time some punk kid buys a copy of the album Polka Party. Until he apologizes for writing, prophetically, such an un-American song, I’m afraid Catholic fascists everywhere will have to judge “Weird Al” HIMSELF to be un-American.

See for yourself.

Not to mention the fact that “Weird Al” kind of looks Canadian at the end of the song.

That’s enough evidence, I think, to show that “Weird Al” deserves no place in a Catholic home, and certainly no place on a Catholic blog. THE CATHOLIC FASCIST calls on THE AMERICAN CATHOLIC to apologize and retract its damaging and embarrassing statements of Al fandom, lest they be lumped in with the vile and liberal MTV loving heretics.

OK, I’ve got coupons for Chick-Fil-A to use! Later!